2006-06-20 - 10:33 p.m.

I feel like I am an emotional time bomb and I don't know what is causing it. I am feeling ultra sensitive, the least bit of "mouthiness" from those around me that I am closest to makes me feel let down, sad and frustrated. I am a born scrapper and there are times when it feels like I have no coals left in the furnace. I don't want to argue with Master. I don't want to have disagreements and it takes EVERYTHING I have sometimes to try to quench the urge to spar (verbally) with him. I know that I am supposed to be submissive. I know that he has the last say. I know that he is the boss - but why does it feel like the air goes out of my sails when I relinquish those things? Why does it make me feel unhappy to swallow the hasty words that are just dying to come out? Why does it make me feel sad to give it up? Why is it so strong in me to be first, to be right and to be heard. Why can't I be a better slave? Why can't I be a better person? Will these things pass by getting better or will I just give up entirely, the fire dampened and not care? Master is a good man and I love him immensely but will I be happy down the road? Will we be able to get passed this ridiculous power struggle (of sorts) and just settle down?

I have been told that he needs to keep me in check (in a manner of speaking) because I get sidetracked so easily. Here it is 10:30 at night, we just got in, the animals have yet to be fed, his cousin has not been called and we are far from settled for the evening and yet he is in bed. *sigh*

Sometimes I just feel like hiding.

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